For Those Of You That Care

I'm giving up on comedy for at least a while. I can't write any more good jokes, and to only have 3 solid jokes, is a joke. I have to realize that at some point. It's sad, but there's nothing i can really do about it. I'm not as good as I thought.

Thanks to those that read these (which i doubt is a very high number (+/- 2) but whatever) It was a fun dream while it lasted.

Bracketology

This post is not a joke. It is in fact however an attempt to prove why ESPN is full of shit. I will post my bracket right now and see who is more accurate, granted if Illinois or UGA win this bracket will be off.

EAST

1. North Carolina

2. Georgetown

3. Xavier

4. Michigan State

5. Vanderbilt

6. UAB

7. Washington State

8. Kent State

9. Cornell

10. UNLV

11. Arizona State

12. Villanova

13. Kentucky

14. Austin Peay

15. UMBC

16. Texas-Arlington

MIDWEST

1. Memphis

2. Texas

3. Wisconsin

4. USC

5. Louisville

6. Pittsburgh

7. Drake

8. Kansas State

9. Davidson

10. Houston

11. Arizona State

12. Illinois State

13. Virginia Tech

14. Oral Roberts

15. Belmont

16. Winthrop

SOUTH

1. Kansas

2. Tennessee

3. Butler

4. Clemson

5. Mississippi State

6. Arkansas

7. Miami (Fl.)

8. Connecticut

9. Washington State

10. Arizona

11. George Mason

12. Cal-State Fullerton

13. Western Kentucky

14. Mount St. Mary’s

15. Siena

16. Play-In-Game

WEST

1. UCLA

2. Duke

3. Notre Dame

4. Stanford

5. Marquette

6. Indiana

7. Gonzaga

8. Arkansas

9. Massachusetts

10. West Virginia

11. Ohio State

12. Boise State

13. American

14. Portland State

15. San Diego

16. Mississippi Valley State

Play-In-Game

16a. Coppin State

16b. Temple


If Illinois or UGA win, it knocks out most likely Ohio State and puts them as either a 16 seed in the West or a 13 seed in the west. If both win, Ohio State and likely Kentucky will be eliminated. If both lose, bracket remains unchanged.

Pro-Life

(I'll edit this later)


so in exactly 1 month and 25 days i will be 21, (if you happen to be pro-life.) I imagine its going to be awkward buying beer, having to ask the cashier for their stance on abortion, but totally worth it.

again editing later.

Good Friday

I'm glad porn companies take off Good Friday. Really? You're taking off a holiday of a religion that condemns the industry you make all your money from? Amazing. That's not really a joke, just me pissed that I have to wait until Easter Monday to view some new Anal scenes.

SAT

I was a smart kid. I got a 1600 on my SAT. Granted it was the first year the score was out of 2400. But that takes nothing away from my accomplishment.

Relativity

I think there are some tasks that cannot be separated from one another. For instance, if you do the soulja boy dance, you also have to be a douchebag.

Empowering Message

This next joke is very empowering of women. I'm sick of the media saying these 5'10'' 90 lb. women are sexy. That is just gross. Talk to me 10 lbs. later. fucking fat asses.

Writing Advice

I bought a book recently on how to write better jokes. It said to write what I know. Which kinda sucks because I don't know shit.

Important thing

John Braatz is the fucking man, man. Honestly, I wish I could be more like him everyday because he's so awesome. He's my God.

This EMPHASIZES WHY ALL MY POSTS ARE JOKES.

World Record

Last Saturday I threw up what I thought to be a record 21 times. I later found out that wasn't even close to the 50 times the Anorexic Olsen Twin pulled off last July. What? Too far? Well if she's offended I'll gladly take her out to dinner. I'm pretty sure that the one piece of lettuce she'll order is free anyway.

Mile Clubs

If you have sex on a plane that is called the Mile High Club right? So then if you have sex on a train would that be called the Mile Long club? Really? Sweet? I finally belong to a club! Wait... Masturbation counts right?

Being White

Being White sucks. When we put metal shit in our teeth, we have to call them "braces."

Gothic Religion

I love the Gothic kids. Really not because they are interesting to hang out with, but because I'm looking forward to the future when they open up their own churches. I'm really excited to see what their announcement boards would say.

"There is no God."
"Pain is the only real thing in this world."
"BINGO night Thursdays at 9."

People Person

I'm not a very good "people's person" A lot of people come up to me and say "You're funny; you should be a comedian." Unfortunately my first response is usually, "You're annoying; you should be a telemarketer."

Kiss Cams

Kiss cams are ruining Sporting Events nation-wide and it's time to end the world's worst halftime show. Never should a Football Game have to appeal to females. It's a male sport, if you don't like it, deal with it. People are lucky I'm not in charge of the Kiss Cam because if I was there would be a few things different. Firstly never would I show a guy-girl couple instead it will always be two girls. And instead of calling it the Kiss Cam it would be called the Tits Cam. Thank me later America.

Self-Loathing

I hate people who think they are funny when they are clearly not, maybe that's why I hate myself

Enzyte

I'm debating starting to take Enzyte (the "male-enhancement" drug if you are not familiar with it.) not because I need it to make my penis larger, but because the guy in the commercial just looks so damn happy.

FSU (Free Scantrons University)

Florida St. had 23 players suspended for cheating on an online test for their Music Appreciation class. The first thing I thought when hearing this is: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET CAUGHT CHEATING ON AN ONLINE EXAM? So i researched this more and found out a tutor gave them the answers, which you know, is a great way to cheat, if you want to get caught. Here's a way to cheat without getting caught. FSU players. USE A FUCKING SEARCH ENGINE.

Multiple Personalities

You know how when you're an ugly child and your mom tells you you better develop a personality? I was so ugly my mom told me to develop multiple personalities.

Voting

So the Ohio primary is tomorrow, and there is a very solid chance that I will not be voting. I love Democracy and all but voting requires too much effort. Quite frankly, the only way you will ever get me to vote is if we put the entire election process on FOX, have Ryan Seacrest host it, and open up the lines for text message voting. Of course even then, I probably wouldn't vote. I'd probably just watch the early rounds to hear the shitty contestants.

Identity Theft

I was watching Cartoon Network the other day (file this one under the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy) and a commercial break came on. The first commercial was for an identity theft prevention company. I found it odd because 1.) if your watching Cartoon Network on a Monday afternoon, chances are you don't even want YOUR OWN identity.

NASCAR

NASCAR is a very latently homosexual sport. Don't agree? Than why is their goal every Sunday "to be sitting on a pole."

Religious Porn

I think the church needs to capitalize on a market they have yet to attempt. Fact: Pornography is the 3rd highest grossing film genre in the last 10 years (behind Will Ferrell movies and unfunny spoofs like Meet The Spartans) Here are my top 5 suggestions:

05.) The Aco-Dykes
04.) The Cardinal Sins
03.) The Sanc-Titty of Marriage
02.) Palm Funday
01.) The Second Cumming

Technology Part II

My computer is so full of viruses, I honestly wonder if when I am asleep if it whores itself out on the streets. Or at least, that's how I explain the sticky keyboard to my parents.

My First Joke/Charity

I wrote this in 8th grade (6 years ago, i believe sometime in January.) so its not at the same exact level as some of my other stuff but it definately was the one joke to start this all.

I feel like the best name for a stripper would be Charity; that way when you tell your wife you're donating money to Charity it wouldn't be a lie.

I Make It Hail On Them Hoes

"Making it Rain" is so overdone now-a-days. Sure it is fun to "soak the strippers" with one dollar bills, but can't we come up with something new? That's why whenever I go to the strip club, I bring a shitload of coins and just peg them at the strippers. That's right bitches, I make it hail.

2007 National Championship DVD

I preordered the 2007 National Championship DVD, assuming, like most, Ohio State would crush Florida. When Ohio State lost, I was devastated and needless to say, did not want a DVD copy of that game. I called up the company to cancel the purchase but the Customer Service lady was a bitch and wouldn't let me cancel it. I asked "C'mon could you at least include the Alternate Ending and Deleted Scenes?"

2008 National Championship DVD

...I preordered the 2008 National Championship DVD... I just don't fucking learn.

Racism In The South

I think some areas of the south might still be a little racist. I did my laundry down in Louisiana, which was....different. For starters, when i took my reds out they smelled like piss. I asked my friend what was up, he said "Dude, you pushed the COLOREDS button not the COLORS."