I'm bored and feel the need to be somewhat productive so I'm just going to type sketch ideas that I can easily film and hope to one day incorporate into this blog/youtube or other websites. All of these will be a series involving me as a desperately needy not intelligent loner and a friend of mine.
1.) Free Ride
2.) Stalking
3.) PS3
4.) West Coast Time
Stuff I want to do but don't have the resources for with a list of what I'd need
1.) Robbery - Cop suit and a 2nd friend.
2.) As Long As You Love Me parody I wrote called As Long As You Fuck Me - 4 other guys (i swear it's not gay.)
3.) Model Fear Factor - Female friends.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Ultrasound
I don't know what I was going for here but I have it written down in my phone
Technology these days is way advanced. My friend just got her ultrasound done in HD. I know! Not only do they know the sex of the baby, but they also know what day he is going to die and how he is going to die.
Technology these days is way advanced. My friend just got her ultrasound done in HD. I know! Not only do they know the sex of the baby, but they also know what day he is going to die and how he is going to die.
Wrong Numbers
I go out to clubs alot and a popular thing to do apparently if you're a girl is to give guys the wrong numbers. That's not right. Cause now all of a sudden I'm drunkenly texting my 12-year-old cousin at 2 in the morning on a Thursday night making the family reunions extremely awkward. On a side note, whoever is giving out my cousin's number, please stop her bills are ridicolous.
What I'm Looking For
It's tough for me to find a girl. I don't ask for much I don't think, but all I really want is a girl that can sweep me off my feet.... literally. I need a girl that can bench at least 275.
Frogger
I like Frogger, though for the longest time I didn't understand the game. With video games as violent as they are these days, I spent the first 15 years playing it trying to kill the Frog. "Dude come over here and check out how sweet this game is. Kinda short though, I mean you'd think for 25 cents, I'd at least get a minute of action."
Honest
I masturbated a lot. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a guy, shit happens. But I think the difference with me was I was always honest. My mom would call me down for dinner a lot and some of the time, I'd be doing it, NOT all the time, but you know some of the time. But I'd always pride myself on my honesty. My mom would shout "Josh get down for dinner now!!" "I'm coming (sp?)!"
That joke works better when said.
That joke works better when said.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Live Blogging The NBA draft.
12:02 PM: Semi Hardon? Boston I expected better from you guys. Does Turkey even have a basketball in their country? Answer: No. How am I supposed to T-Bag Kobe Bryant if I'm not on a team? I'm pretty sure if I'm not on a team it's a felony to T-Bag Kobe. I will see you again next year, and I shall overcome like Martin Luther King. Bitch.
11:55 PM: One pick left until I presumably be drafted. I'm nervous, excited and kinda aroused at the same time. In fact I think i have a boner.
11:44 PM: If Portland just drafted Mike Taylor to "make history" I don't know why they didn't draft me. I haven't even played college basketball and they are drafting someone who wasn't even bright enough to use his eligibility. TARDS!
11: 37 PM: Dallas Mavericks just selected Shan Foster, I assume because of his singing abilities. Did Dallas even hear my rap? I poured my heart in that rap.
11:34 PM: Drew refuses to cuddle with me, until I become an NBA superstar. What a cunt.
11:33 PM: Alright seriously DeVon Hardon goes before me? Un-fucking-believable. I'm beginning to lose all faith together. IF I DON'T GET DRAFTED I WILL KILL MYSELF! SUCK ON THAT DAVID STERN.
11:15 PM: Two things I've learned tonight. The NBA hates Americans, by sleecting Nikola Pekovic, Omer Asik and some Croatian dude, before me, I feel very disheartened that the USA, the best basketball talent in the world, can't get a player as fucking ill as me drafted. Fuck em. Still banking on the Celtics with the 60th pick.
10:59 PM: About an hour to go in the draft and i still haven't been taken? I know ridicolous (sp?) right? Do people even know that I go to Ohio State University? Just made the popcorn and the party is poppin. Drew just did some sort of magic trick for everybody, which the number has now increased to 2 in attendance. I just managed to catch a piece of popcorn in my mouth with no hands!!!! Can Sonny Weems Chicago Bulls' 39th pick overall do that? Doubtful.
10:45 PM: Joey "I-Don't-Know-My-Bible-Referenced-Trash-Talk" Dorsey was just taken to Portland. I couldn't be happier, he know gets to play with "David" Greg Oden and himself being "Goliath" Unfortuantely Joey forgot that David beat Goliath and didn't even understand that Greg Oden was better than him and taller (maybe he should have been Goliath.)
Moron
10:43 PM: They bleeped out Frederique saying "goddamn" but only bleeped out the God? What's up with that?
10:30 PM: Frediereque (sp?) just pronounced Cooker like "Kooker" it was funny. Also Erik totally just hit his head! Talk about OUCHIEZ!! LOL'Z Frederique (sp?) totally just ran past the pumpkin clue ON PURPOSE!!!! and could very well be the Mole. Our predictions over here remain the same. Drew - Erik and Josh - Erik as well.
10:25 PM: Kathy just called Erik a little cunt for imitating her at the dinner table. I was totally LOL'ing at that one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:20 PM: Kathy was being facetious (sp?) when she answered her questions kind of flippety when she forgot about her conversation with Erik in the make-up room and picked Frederique (sp?) because she works with her hair. Also picking Frederique (sp?) for every question is kind of shocking and dumb, I mean who would be able to pick that up in 3 questions?!?!?!?!?!??!! (sp?)
10:15 PM: This post is in bold because my blog hates me. Erik totally threw Kathy and Fredirique (sp?) for a loop when asked Who would you rather be stranded on a desert island with you? He picked Kathy!!!!!! Erik is totally the Mole!!!!!!!!!
10:10 PM: Watching Celebrity Mole Hawaii is cool. I'm not sure who the Mole is but Erik was acting very strangely on their search for Frederique (sp?), could he be the Mole? Possibly.
10:00 PM: I'm gonna switch to Celebrity Mole Hawaii for a little bit, but shall be back for the most important pick in the draft (hopefully.) Will continue the blog. Anyway, it's a shame Corbin Bernson was kicked off because I love Roger Dorn in Baseball and was going to possibly ask him to be a member of my entourage once I get my big contract.
9:58 PM: I don't know why teams are passing on me. I know for FACT that I don't have any kidney issues like Darrell Arthur, but there are some reports floating around the media about a flatulance (sp?) problem, which I can say is very possibly true, but shouldn't hurt my chances with any teams.
9:55 PM: The queso cheese is finished and I still haven't been drafted. No big deal, but if anyone is heading over, stop at the Shopper's Food Warehouse and pick up some tostitos queso MEDIUM please, no homo Soft shit.
9:38 PM: The Orlando Magic just selected Courtney Smith. Really? A female is nowhere near as good as me on the boards. Rest assured, if Orlando tries to take me in the 2nd round, I'm demanding a trade.
9:36 PM: I'm getting kind of worried. Number 9 prospect Darrell Arthur, has fallen to the 27th pick. which means if I'm the 43th best prospect in the draft that means I'm falling to whoever lands the number one pick next year.
9:23 PM: James Peters is an douch Misquoting my party guest and 15 time all-star pitcher Drew Hoffmaster, a good friend since practically birth and nation's leading FIFA 2008 (for PS3, cuz I'm rich) teammate with a whopping 8 goals.
9:14 PM: I think I should have entered the WNBA draft instead. Josh can kind of be a girls name too. EDIT: I don't think my nickname "Scottie-Tip-In" would translate as well.
9:09 PM: The first party guest has arrived, but ya know... that's how they all start.. .two hours late... fashionably late that is. Indiana just selected my boy Roy Hibbert. He friend requested ME on facebook... that's right I'm pretty well known, but I am know the first person (that I know of) to go to school with two 7 footers who eventually went on to be drafted.
9:00 PM: Pheonix (sp?) Suns just took Robin Lopez. Great now that team has the two worst hair styles in the NBA. If they wanted me I would have gladly regrown the fro, and cry like a little girl everytime I get fouled. (Looking at you Robin Lopez.) Also I am aware that I may have just backhandedly complimented Joakim Noah. Don't read anything into it Joakim. You're still ugly as fuck.
8:53 PM: It has come to my attention that Last Comic Standing offers a 250,000$ grand prize. Maybe I should have focused my energies on getting on that show instead of getting drafted... Fuck.
8:42 PM: Sacramento Kings just selected Jason Thompson out of Rider College? I'm sorry if I had known they were just going to waste their pick, I woulda sent them a letter too telling them why I should have been drafted. Morons.
8:29 PM: So the New Jersey Nets just passed on me. No big deal. I didn't want to play in that shithole, but really Brook Lopez? I've got more talent in my left nut than he has in his entire body. Another reason I don't want to play for the Nets: I can't play for owners who steal someone's initials.
8:22 PM: What's up party people? So apparently I'm late on the start time of the draft because David Stern apparently forgot to call and let me know. But honestly... who starts a television program at 7 fucking 30? Exactly. I don't want to let the NBA teams know I was late as it may enhance my image as a irresponsible person. The good news is I only missed 8 picks, which I wasn't very likely to be taken in anyways... I'm more of a mid-to-late lottery/end of first round, but whatevs. I know you're not. The draft party is off to a phenomenal start. I had to persuade my father to turn off entertainment news to watch my potential future. No cameras yet, but that was to be expected. I'm pretty low-key guy and I didn't want all the attention.
11:55 PM: One pick left until I presumably be drafted. I'm nervous, excited and kinda aroused at the same time. In fact I think i have a boner.
11:44 PM: If Portland just drafted Mike Taylor to "make history" I don't know why they didn't draft me. I haven't even played college basketball and they are drafting someone who wasn't even bright enough to use his eligibility. TARDS!
11: 37 PM: Dallas Mavericks just selected Shan Foster, I assume because of his singing abilities. Did Dallas even hear my rap? I poured my heart in that rap.
11:34 PM: Drew refuses to cuddle with me, until I become an NBA superstar. What a cunt.
11:33 PM: Alright seriously DeVon Hardon goes before me? Un-fucking-believable. I'm beginning to lose all faith together. IF I DON'T GET DRAFTED I WILL KILL MYSELF! SUCK ON THAT DAVID STERN.
11:15 PM: Two things I've learned tonight. The NBA hates Americans, by sleecting Nikola Pekovic, Omer Asik and some Croatian dude, before me, I feel very disheartened that the USA, the best basketball talent in the world, can't get a player as fucking ill as me drafted. Fuck em. Still banking on the Celtics with the 60th pick.
10:59 PM: About an hour to go in the draft and i still haven't been taken? I know ridicolous (sp?) right? Do people even know that I go to Ohio State University? Just made the popcorn and the party is poppin. Drew just did some sort of magic trick for everybody, which the number has now increased to 2 in attendance. I just managed to catch a piece of popcorn in my mouth with no hands!!!! Can Sonny Weems Chicago Bulls' 39th pick overall do that? Doubtful.
10:45 PM: Joey "I-Don't-Know-My-Bible-Referenced-Trash-Talk" Dorsey was just taken to Portland. I couldn't be happier, he know gets to play with "David" Greg Oden and himself being "Goliath" Unfortuantely Joey forgot that David beat Goliath and didn't even understand that Greg Oden was better than him and taller (maybe he should have been Goliath.)
Moron
10:43 PM: They bleeped out Frederique saying "goddamn" but only bleeped out the God? What's up with that?
10:30 PM: Frediereque (sp?) just pronounced Cooker like "Kooker" it was funny. Also Erik totally just hit his head! Talk about OUCHIEZ!! LOL'Z Frederique (sp?) totally just ran past the pumpkin clue ON PURPOSE!!!! and could very well be the Mole. Our predictions over here remain the same. Drew - Erik and Josh - Erik as well.
10:25 PM: Kathy just called Erik a little cunt for imitating her at the dinner table. I was totally LOL'ing at that one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:20 PM: Kathy was being facetious (sp?) when she answered her questions kind of flippety when she forgot about her conversation with Erik in the make-up room and picked Frederique (sp?) because she works with her hair. Also picking Frederique (sp?) for every question is kind of shocking and dumb, I mean who would be able to pick that up in 3 questions?!?!?!?!?!??!! (sp?)
10:15 PM: This post is in bold because my blog hates me. Erik totally threw Kathy and Fredirique (sp?) for a loop when asked Who would you rather be stranded on a desert island with you? He picked Kathy!!!!!! Erik is totally the Mole!!!!!!!!!
10:10 PM: Watching Celebrity Mole Hawaii is cool. I'm not sure who the Mole is but Erik was acting very strangely on their search for Frederique (sp?), could he be the Mole? Possibly.
10:00 PM: I'm gonna switch to Celebrity Mole Hawaii for a little bit, but shall be back for the most important pick in the draft (hopefully.) Will continue the blog. Anyway, it's a shame Corbin Bernson was kicked off because I love Roger Dorn in Baseball and was going to possibly ask him to be a member of my entourage once I get my big contract.
9:58 PM: I don't know why teams are passing on me. I know for FACT that I don't have any kidney issues like Darrell Arthur, but there are some reports floating around the media about a flatulance (sp?) problem, which I can say is very possibly true, but shouldn't hurt my chances with any teams.
9:55 PM: The queso cheese is finished and I still haven't been drafted. No big deal, but if anyone is heading over, stop at the Shopper's Food Warehouse and pick up some tostitos queso MEDIUM please, no homo Soft shit.
9:38 PM: The Orlando Magic just selected Courtney Smith. Really? A female is nowhere near as good as me on the boards. Rest assured, if Orlando tries to take me in the 2nd round, I'm demanding a trade.
9:36 PM: I'm getting kind of worried. Number 9 prospect Darrell Arthur, has fallen to the 27th pick. which means if I'm the 43th best prospect in the draft that means I'm falling to whoever lands the number one pick next year.
9:23 PM: James Peters is an douch Misquoting my party guest and 15 time all-star pitcher Drew Hoffmaster, a good friend since practically birth and nation's leading FIFA 2008 (for PS3, cuz I'm rich) teammate with a whopping 8 goals.
9:14 PM: I think I should have entered the WNBA draft instead. Josh can kind of be a girls name too. EDIT: I don't think my nickname "Scottie-Tip-In" would translate as well.
9:09 PM: The first party guest has arrived, but ya know... that's how they all start.. .two hours late... fashionably late that is. Indiana just selected my boy Roy Hibbert. He friend requested ME on facebook... that's right I'm pretty well known, but I am know the first person (that I know of) to go to school with two 7 footers who eventually went on to be drafted.
9:00 PM: Pheonix (sp?) Suns just took Robin Lopez. Great now that team has the two worst hair styles in the NBA. If they wanted me I would have gladly regrown the fro, and cry like a little girl everytime I get fouled. (Looking at you Robin Lopez.) Also I am aware that I may have just backhandedly complimented Joakim Noah. Don't read anything into it Joakim. You're still ugly as fuck.
8:53 PM: It has come to my attention that Last Comic Standing offers a 250,000$ grand prize. Maybe I should have focused my energies on getting on that show instead of getting drafted... Fuck.
8:42 PM: Sacramento Kings just selected Jason Thompson out of Rider College? I'm sorry if I had known they were just going to waste their pick, I woulda sent them a letter too telling them why I should have been drafted. Morons.
8:29 PM: So the New Jersey Nets just passed on me. No big deal. I didn't want to play in that shithole, but really Brook Lopez? I've got more talent in my left nut than he has in his entire body. Another reason I don't want to play for the Nets: I can't play for owners who steal someone's initials.
8:22 PM: What's up party people? So apparently I'm late on the start time of the draft because David Stern apparently forgot to call and let me know. But honestly... who starts a television program at 7 fucking 30? Exactly. I don't want to let the NBA teams know I was late as it may enhance my image as a irresponsible person. The good news is I only missed 8 picks, which I wasn't very likely to be taken in anyways... I'm more of a mid-to-late lottery/end of first round, but whatevs. I know you're not. The draft party is off to a phenomenal start. I had to persuade my father to turn off entertainment news to watch my potential future. No cameras yet, but that was to be expected. I'm pretty low-key guy and I didn't want all the attention.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
One Of The Greatest Days In My Life
"It's the highlight of my week," said the world's worst father.
If Dr. Seuss Was Actually a Doctor
Dr. Seuss: I do not like this brownish spot. I do not like this dark black dot. I do not like this odd-shaped mole. I do not like this porous hole. I'd wear more sunblock here and there. I'd wear more sunblock everywhere. It looks as though, I'm sad to say, that you have cancer here today.Patient: Are you...high?
Teeth
Q: What's Red And Bad For Your TeethA: A Brick
The Last Layers of Hell
4. The Fans of "Legally Blonde"3. The Fans of "Legally Blonde 2"
2. The Fans of "Legally Blonde the
Musical"
1. The Fans of "Legally Blonde the
Musical: the Search for Elle Woods"
Stupid America
I just read that 60% of 8th graders only read at a 5th grade level. At that point isn't it just the eighth grade level?Comic Book Movies That Would Be Better Than Another Edward Norton Hulk
-Commissioner Gordon: The Movie-First Five Minutes of X-Men 2: The Movie
-Fire Extinguisher-Bot From Iron Man: The Movie
Swedish Drunks
-We were at this place yesterday that had 4 dollar pitchers!-Wo, awesome! Where?
-IKEA. They also have 2 dollar cups and cheap futons. Uber chill!
The type of dog you have says a lot about your personality, especially if the dog is dead.
Being White
Being white sucks. When we put metal stuff in our mouth we have to call them braces View Article
honestly this has done more for my confidence than anything possibly could. I'm so happy right now.
honestly this has done more for my confidence than anything possibly could. I'm so happy right now.
Community Service
Why do athletes get off easy with community service? all they have to do is autograph signings. I want in on that! Instead I've got to pick up trash on a fucking highway. I've started signing autographs anyway. I don't care if they don't want it and call it autograph rape it's my way of giving back to the community and it isn't a felony... yet.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Cancer
I feel like we're making a mistake in letting Cancer be a Astrological sign. It just seems to me like we're honoring cancer by naming something after it. It's the only Astrological sign you can be born with and die by it. Well... unless you happen to be hit by a Ford Taurus that is.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Athlete
Starting this September I want to try to do a whole new blog (as well as this one)
Said blog would take an athlete and pretend to be him for an entire year to help hone my writing skills. Some choices I have right now (but by no means limited to) include:
Sasha Vugiachic - PRO's I know all about self-created nicknames and not living up to them
CON's I'd have to learn to spell his name right.
Sam McGuffie - PRO's I'd get to hate Michigan more.
CON's Are you kidding? There no cons when it comes to Sam McGuffie. EVER!
Tom Brady, Pacman Jones, and whoever is the 60th pick in the draft on Thursday night are options for me.
Said blog would take an athlete and pretend to be him for an entire year to help hone my writing skills. Some choices I have right now (but by no means limited to) include:
Sasha Vugiachic - PRO's I know all about self-created nicknames and not living up to them
CON's I'd have to learn to spell his name right.
Sam McGuffie - PRO's I'd get to hate Michigan more.
CON's Are you kidding? There no cons when it comes to Sam McGuffie. EVER!
Tom Brady, Pacman Jones, and whoever is the 60th pick in the draft on Thursday night are options for me.
Television Experience
As a comic, it is my goal to get as much television/internet exposure as possible to get my name out there. Unfortunately not a lot of comedy shows have hired me recently so I'm forced to list my other appearances on my bill. As seen on: The 2006 Ohio - State Michigan game and areal views of Ohio Stadium since 2006! Unfortunately this doesn't get me a lot of recognition unless I'm standing 300 miles away from people and even then I can't hear their autograph requests and proposals. (Though I know for certain they are there.)
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Commercial
According to a double mint commercial (which may or may not be biased) Doublemint gum will be starting for the Chicago Bulls next year. I call bullshit. Just thought you should know its probably a lie. Though I'm all for more white people in the NBA.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Pretty Penny
I live on probably the gayest street ever. Pretty Penny Court. Which means if i were to take my porn name using my middle name and street I would be Henry Pretty Penny. I know I might as well start taking two black cocks up my ass already. People mock the name, but I make it work. Yeah I live on Pretty Penny Ct. you know where it is? No? It's right off Big Dick Lane asshole.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Golf
I dont see what the big deal is with golf. I played that course in Augusta just like the pros did, and i shot a 39 on the back 9. Granted if you add the other 8 holes the total is something along the lines of 437 or something.
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