Analyzing Some Songs

In this area I will analyze some popular songs of the 1990's

At First Glance = Titles only
Further Look = Lyrics As Well
Actual = WikiPedia entry (if available)

1.) New Radicals - You Only Get What You Give

At First Glance: One would think this song is about sexually transmitted diseases.

Further Look: Suicide Prevention?

Actual: The song itself is about remaining true to who you are and not being "a fake." You know, like a band that sold out it's real values to make it big in America.

2.) Alanis Morrisette - Ironic

At First Glance: How Alanis Morrisette managed to stay relevant after You Oughta Know

Further Look: This song seems to be extremely depressing and attempts to make people afraid of flying, and winning the lottery after turning 98.

Actual: This song is the definition of ironic because nothing in the song is ironic. I think she just blew my mind.

3.) Barenaked Ladies - One Week

At First Glance: This song must be about how long you can listen to it before wanting to slit your wrists.

Further Look: A possible white masochistic male that attempts to rap in a relationship that seems to be failing miserably. So basically a biographical song of Vanilla Ice, if he ever dates a girl.

Actual: Largely imrpovised rapping, which makes sense because you know, the first thing off the top of 99% of white males head's is "Chickety-China the Chinese Chicken."

4.) Shaggy - It Wasn't Me

At First Glance: It wasn't him.

Further Look: It probably was him, but at least they recorded it.

Actual: Shaggy would make a great criminal defense attorney, assuming his client could speak in fluent rhymes about his crimes over some beats made by the streets. (see what I did there?)

5.) L.F.O. - Summer Girls

At First Glance: This song tries to appear as a song that everyone can relate to about girls in the summer.

Further Look: This song just seems to compile a bunch of random facts pertinent to nobody except the singer and what he likes. But apparently William Shakespeare prefers the name Billy. Oh and Lead Singer is so cool, he'll steal your honey like he stole your bike. So if your bike has ever been stolen, I suggest calling the cops on his ass.

Actual: This song was actually a practical joke. That makes sense, and mad props to LFO on pranking America for over a year back in 1999 when this song was released.

6.) O-Town - Liquid Dream

At First Glance: This song sounds like it is going to be about a guy who dreams about water and possibly the theme song to Adam Sandler's hit movie Waterboy

Further Look: It's quite possible that this song initiated the most restraining orders ever from one song with creepy lyrics ranging from Madonna, Janet Jackson and Cindy Crawford. Now I don't think it is too much to ask, but was it not possible to reference people who have mattered after 1995.

Actual: This song was so bad it did not have it's own Wikipedia page. It woudln't shock me if I was able to say the same thing about it's band.

7.) Backstreet Boys - As Long As You Love Me

At First Glance: This song sounds like a desperate plea from a 13 year old boy trying to get laid for the first time without using the proper word to express his true desperation. Or real love...

Further Look: The singer seems to be indifferent to anything about the girl's past, which means I guess he was in a relationship with a talker.

Actual: A.J. MacLean's vocals we're not used on this track as he was sick at the time they recorded this. Little known fact: anyone that listens to more than 7 tracks of the Backstreet Boys gets sick too.

8.) Matchbox 20 - Push

At First Glance: This song appears to be about a verb that is defined as:
Push -

1.	to press upon or against (a thing) with force in order to move it away.

2.	to move (something) in a specified way by exerting force; shove; drive: to push something aside; to push the door open.

3.	to effect or accomplish by thrusting obstacles aside: to push one's way through the crowd.

4.	to cause to extend or project; thrust. Doesn't seem to be a bad idea does it?

Further Look: Song appears to speak to the wife-beating population of America and just lets those wife's know they aren't loving their husbands nearly enough, and when he lies, he is doing it for your own good... God, why don't you get it you dumb bitch, see this is why I have to hit you.

Actual: It's not about "physical" abuse per se, it's about emotional abuse you stupid cunt.

9.) The Tony Rich Project - Nobody Knows

At First Glance: I'd have to guess this song is about Tony Rich's grievances about the lack of public knowledge about his "project"

Further Look: Tony Rich enjoys using the literary device of simile a little too much it's like. Sad.

Actual: In 1996 Kevin Sharp covered it and it was made the number 1 single at the time. What was really ironic was that nobody knew it was a cover.

10.) Tal Bachman - She's So High

At First Glance: This song sounds like it's about a girl who just smoked a couple joints back-to-back, or snorted some coke.

Further Look: It's about a woman who has not had any plastic surgery or image-enhancing procedures, so she's probably ugly. Also it has to be an insult to call someone all 5 senses. Lastly the most dated references ever? Aphrodite, Cleopatra and Joan of Arc? Nobody better?

Actual: According to Wikipedia it WAS a song.

Ambidextrous

I think the worst time to boast about being ambidextrous is at a Amputated Conference of America

Expressed Written Consent

I love Major League Baseball and all other professional sporting leagues (except the WNBA) but one thing that irks me is whenever I watch a game on TV it tells me I'm prohibited from talking about the game or writing in any manner without Major League Baseball's expressed written consent. I wanna know if that means if someone initiative and requested the consent forms to talk about a game on July 16th, 1995 between the Orioles and Royals, they could talk about it for the rest of their lives...

i need to make a joke out of that.

New Stuff I'll Be Working On...

What's up? No Way! Same Here! How many times?... Wow she is a slut... Oh Really? Wow I'm sorry to hear about that... I hear Valtrex is good for that...

Anyways now that I've gotten to know my readers a little better, I'd thought I'd give you a heads up as to what I'll be up to the rest of the summer...

NEXT WEEK: I'm hoping to film a sketch or two and post them on THIS website/YouTube/Facebook or wherever people like them...

Two more blogs I'll be writing are up and can be viewed here

http://gamemisconductnewsreport.blogspot.com/

-> This site will be for my fake sports news headlines, which I will update weekly. First update is up, but don't expect much for a little while.

http://holyheisman15.blogspot.com/

-> August 29th be prepared for my attempt at a site similar to www.tonyhomo.com, which I highly recommend

Heisman Trophy Breakdown

1.) Chris 'Beanie' Wells, RB. Ohio St: To not consider this guy as number 1 means two things. 1.) You live in the SEC states and 2.) This country would have been better if you had remained seceded after the Civil War.

2.) Tim Tebow QB. Florida: I ain't no player hater, he's good. But last time I checked, the number of babies circumcised in the Philippines or 'NBCP' was not an applicable football stat, despite what ESPN tries to tell you.

3.) Knowshon Moreno RB. Georgia: Easily the best running back out of Georgia since Herschel Walker. However, Knowshon still trails Herschel in the categories of Career Rushing Yards, Career TD's and Career Personalities.

4.) Michael Crabtree WR. Texas Tech: The best WR in College Football hands down, however the 1 television appearance he will make this season will be to lose the Heisman award in NYC.

5.) Sam McGuffie RB. Michigan: Any Heisman list without Sam on it is retarded. He jumped some dude. I ask you this Heisman committee what was the last thing you jumped? If the answer was anything but your heart after yet another heart attack, I call bullshit.

Why I Love Wikipedia

Sean Salisbury

Main article: Sean Salisbury

After getting his start on the Comedy Central show BattleBots, Salisbury went on to become an NFL analyst on ESPN, appearing on SportsCenter and NFL Live. He is well known for the good-natured teasing of fellow analyst John Clayton in the SportsCenter segment "Four Downs". Clayton once famously got back at Salisbury. During an argument, Salisbury attempted to prove his point by telling Clayton, "You never played in the NFL." Clayton, noting that Salisbury spent most of his career as a backup quarterback on the sidelines (he received about a year's worth of NFL snaps in an eight-year career), fired back, "Neither did you!"

On February 26, 2008 Salisbury's contract was not renewed by ESPN. Salisbury suggested, according to Profootballtalk.com, that he was unhappy with his salary and status compared to those analysts who were more prominent players in their NFL careers. Salisbury explained, saying that “I’d grown tired of being punished for not being an NFL superstar,” He also complained that “analysts who don’t work as hard as me, don’t prepare as hard as me, and don’t have my resume were making more than me just because of their ability to throw or catch a football.”^[84]

In the fall of 2006, Salisbury was suspended by ESPN for one week, allegedly for indecent exposure. A column^[85] in the New York Post by Phil Mushnick on January 19, 2007 confirmed the suspension. According to the allegations, Salisbury took a picture of his penis with a cell phone and showed it to many women who worked at the station, including John Clayton, who enjoyed the pictures.^[86]

taken from the ESPN controversies page

Sharing

I was arrested on Saturday for DUI, which is bullshit. If bikers and pedestrians get to share the road with cars, why can't my SUV share the sidewalks with them. Cops are such hypocrits.

Six Flags

Our local amusement park is six flags. I can only assume it was named after some service that ranked objects with a unit of flags, I think it's also safe to assume the maximum number of flags given out is at least 100.

Like You

My girl friends always tell me they "want to date someone that's like me, but not me." Why not be honest? "I want to date someone that has the same personality and likes the same shit as you, but not as ugly as you" Thanks in advance.

Can't Have

A friend recently said about me that "I want what I can't have." I guess that's true, I would like two billion dollars, a playmate girlfriend and for that friend to leave me the fuck alone for the rest of my life.

Cousins

I have a lot of cousins, or as I like to call them grandparent-will-killers.

Presidency

I believe that America is a great country. One thing that kills me though is when LSU won the national championship I saw signs that said "Miles For President" A not-so-clever-attempt-to-get-on-tv, and might I add completely unoriginal. But I have a problem with that. Anyone who cannot properly pronounce all 50 states, should not be able to be elected. Ar-Kansas? Really? Honestly if you cannot pronounce all the states properly you should consider yourself lucky to have a job... unless you're from west virginia, there you might be a doctor.

Mid-Life Crisis

One of the better things about having Mid-Life crisi is that if you double your age at the time you start yours, you know how long you have left to live. I'm kinda nervous because when i turned 12, I bleached my hair blonde, bought a bike with spinners, and made everyone call me Rocket for several hours for no apparent reason.

1st Verse Of As Long As You Fuck Me

Although horniness has always been a vice of mine
I paid to get in your pants
People say I'm stupid and that it's a crime
Paying it all in advance
And now you've got me tied up and are robbing me
You're taking all my money
Don't care what you take for your shopping spree
As long as you please fuck me


Hook

verse 2 tomorrow.

Godparents

I love the idea of Godparents. You can virtually name anyone you want to be the Godparents for your child. Godfather? John Stamos. Godmother? Angelina Jolie.

Done.

Personal Entry

This isn't a joke but I thought I'd post it here anyways as it may give people further insight to the enigma that is Josh Zurn

Stuff I'd Like To Do/See Before I Die:

1.) Be a contestant on a reality TV show Last Comic Standing and The Mole would be ideal.
2.) See Ohio State win a National Championship
3.) Perform a solid set at some Stand-up level.
4.) Live In New York City.
5.) Have a house in Ocean City, NJ.
6.) Sell a movie script I've written whether it be Rocked, Bust, Rocked II, or another.

Pro-Life

I know I have this joke down somewhere but I finally edited it to work.

I'm pro-life. Not because I care about a woman's right to choose... fuck that... but because if live begins inside the womb than I am technically 21 and can drink. "Yeah you're gonna have that kid, so I can have my right to drink... what's that?I don't care if it was a mistake and the father is in prison... I need to get my drink on my life is hectic. "

Metric System

I'm a big fan of the metric system. Because it makes things seem bigger than they actually are. When a girl asks 'how big is your dick?' i get to respond '17' see? Builds confidence and impresses the ladies.

Golf

Golf is just like sex it's no fun when you're watching.

From The Heart

I'd like to take an oppurtunity here to speak seriously. I've been watching the DVD's of Chappelle's Show recently and wanted to thank Dave for what was honestly one of the greatest shows on TV ever. It's weird to think that this show catapulted sketch comedy to the forefront again taking it back to the glory days of SNL and MAD TV in the 90's.

One of the greatest sketches of all time was the Racial Draft. Absolutely genius and perfectly planned out to maximize every joke. Everything from Black people selecting an athlete to the whites trying to take a black politician, and then the Blacks trying to get Eminem from the white people was just perfect. I honestly feel that was the sketch that hooked in America, before the Rick James sketch, which locked it up.

It's sad to think that Chappelle, who had accepted a record deal for multiple new seasons "flaked out." But he didn't. He had the foresight to see what was happening to sketch comedy shows like Chappelle's Show and Mind of Mencia, which remains the unfunniest show on television to this day. The racial elements of ALL the sketches in these shows are great for 1-2 years, but you need to find something else to succeed at consistantly being funny and still walking that line between funny and racist. Chappelle's humor was consistantly at the perfect point for every episode and made millions tune in every week to see what was happening. Mencia has become so ridicolously offensive not because what he does is extremely racist, but because it doesn't even have the slightest hint of a joke within an episode. I could talk for thirty minutes in front of a camera and make funny faces every 6 or so minutes just like him and honest to God, his show has made me laugh 1 time in the probably 20 times I've tried to give him a chance.

Chappelle wanted to take the show in a different direction but unfortunately the producers weren't having that. "Yeah...I'm sure that'd be funny Dave, but let's make some more fun of white people." is probably the stuff the force fed to him to make him flake out. Never has a man been so near the top fallen off the face of the earth as quickly as Dave did.

It's a shame because Comedy Central truly had something going here with Chappelle, that has now been completely ruined by Ned... I mean Carlos Mencia.