The Best Damn Jokes In The Land

Yes

2009-01-29T18:07:00.000-08:00

I'm a man of many languages. For instance I can say "yes" in several different ones. Yes.. English obviously. Si, is spanish and Nien is german for 'yes...' wait... that's no? I think i accidentally raped somebody this past weekend.

Famous

2009-01-18T14:35:00.000-08:00

Is it sad that I only want to be famous enough so that I can compete in the D-List Celebrity sporting events before the Super Bowl and Baseball All-Star game respectively?

State of The Union Address

2009-01-18T14:31:00.000-08:00

So I'm pretty sure the state of the union address is coming up soon, or as it's called in my house, "movie night."

Does it make sense to anyone as to why it is on EVERY SINGLE CHANNEL? I mean is someone sitting around watching this and getting absolutely pissed off at the hue President Obama is being presented with on CBS?

I guess somewhere in the deep south they can all watch it on FOX who are doing an extra special feature this year called whiting out the President.... don't ask me what that means.

Politics

2009-01-18T14:21:00.001-08:00

This is my first attempt at a giant bit so I'm going to have to memorize this. I also need to make that that line makes sense, but i'll get arund to it.

I used to be huge into politics back in November. Not because of the Presidential Election I could care less about that. I mean it is nice to finally have one of our own in the White House, but still not the point I'm trying to make. I cared deeply about a cause. That cause: Pro-Life. Why you ask do I care about something of such little importance to me? I mean look at me, I probably should be more worried about inflation on the McDonald's Dollar Menu than a woman's right to choose. HOWEVER, it did effect me, you see I turned 21 in February, and that means I could legally drink a beer and gamble, but as a pro-life supporter I technically turned 21 nine months before that, and felt it was my right to legally do both. I would comb through my city looking for a pro-life liquor store owner and when i found one. BINGO. THIS ISN'T BURGER KING YOU CAN'T HAVE IT YOUR WAY THIS IS AMERICA

I was in the process of starting a complaint process with the United States Government but then I turned 21 and I could care less about politics again.

Girlfriends

2009-01-06T20:42:00.001-08:00

I find it easy to get girlfriends by selecting them based off of their NFL teams. For example, my girlfriend right now is a Detroit Lions fan: Sure she breaks up with me every April because she gets hope, but comes crawling back every first Sunday in September... it's a perfect formula.

Middle of Nowhere

2008-12-31T17:47:00.003-08:00

I live in the middle of nowhere. Seriously my zip code is 4 numbers and then a question mark.

Middle of Nowhere

2008-12-31T17:47:00.001-08:00

I live in the middle of nowhere. Seriously my zip code is 4 numbers and then a question mark.

Comments

2008-12-22T21:23:00.000-08:00

Comments can be posted anonymously now, so let me know what you really think!

Also, I'm gonna start writing again soon, i'm just super busy.

and by "super busy" i mean "chronic masturbator"

Beyonce

2008-12-12T14:40:00.000-08:00

I want to write a response song to Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy." I'd probably call it, "If I Were A Girl, (I'd Probably Complain About That Too.") Yes the parentheses are necessary, if a song is going to be a hit apparently it needs a subtitle.

Auto Charades

2008-12-09T19:19:00.000-08:00

Blu-Ray 2

2008-12-08T02:02:00.000-08:00

rewrite eventually...

I'm a big fan of the Blu-Ray discs because I'm the only person I know with a actual Blu-Ray player, so that means that any person that wants to watch a Blu-Ray disc has to come to me and hang out with me, If that extra ten dollars means someone will spend 2 hours with me, i'll pay it. Yeah, I'm that sad.

Laws

2008-12-07T01:51:00.001-08:00

I hate how every state has some bullshit laws that are somehow important to uphold, like in Ohio you can't mow your lawn on Sundays without a shirt, or in Alaska you can't feed a moose alcoholic beverages, but some laws make no sense to me like why is it illegal for me to kill my neighbor's dog and seriously injure their 6-year-old son just because I was drinking.

Video Games 2

2008-12-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

A lot of people say video games are "too real." pointing to examples like Grand Theft Auto and others in that genre. Well, yeah.. but what about those games that are too unreal? Like Dance, Dance, Revolution. Never have I gone to a club and heard "Everytime I Touch" seen people dancing like "Up, Down, Left, Right Right, Down, Up Down Up Down SIDES!

Updated First Joke

2008-12-05T11:25:00.000-08:00

I wish every stripper was named Charity, that way I wouldn't be lying on my taxes when I write off thousands to charity.

Blu-Ray

2008-12-04T21:04:00.000-08:00

People wonder why Blu-Rays haven't been successful mainstream. I don't find it that shocking it's an extra ten bucks to see a better picture. Personally I don't see how the better picture makes Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector a better movie. In fact, I can see it being a lot worse.

T9Word

2008-12-03T21:09:00.000-08:00

I hate T9word. For those of you that don't know what that is, it's a program on your cell phone that guesses what you are trying to type to make it "easier." Is it "easier" for me now that my girlfriend won't let me go near her puppy? No! In fact, maybe T9Word should learn when I'm trying to text fuck my girlfriend.

Miscarriages

2008-12-02T21:12:00.000-08:00

Some view miscarriages as a bad thing, personally, I think they are just God answering my prayers. I owe that guy big time..

Threat

2008-12-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

Alright, before I start, I just want you all to know that for every joke you do not laugh at, I will take off an article of clothing... Yeah, let's be honest. You don't want that and I know you don't want that, so let's work together as a team to prevent that from happening.

Wedding

2008-11-28T22:48:00.000-08:00

I know I'm not getting married. My demands are too high. Some say the wedding is for the bride. Bullshit. I say it all should be equal that's why if I ever get married, I get to come down the aisle too: And I'm not coming out to some faggot piano music. No, I'm comin out to Hell's Bells with all my groomsmen carryling me on a fucking throne.

I don't think that's too much to ask.

Rape

2008-11-28T22:46:00.000-08:00

Rape can't be that bad if Liftetime, a network about empowering women airs original movies about rape victims constantly: in fact, the victims should be thanking the rapers for providing them with a journey towards discovering themselves.

Always Leave Them Wanting More

2008-11-28T22:44:00.000-08:00

For Comedians the motto to live by is "always leave them wanting more" I try to live that off the stage too by doing things in my personal life like not tipping waiters, finishing first in sex and...

For Sale Only

2008-11-28T22:41:00.000-08:00

I recently bought a DVD and when I popped it in to my PS3 to watch a screen came up and said "This DVD is for sale only." FUCK! TRICKED ME AGAIN TARGET! I thought this DVD would be a "For Sale and Viewing" DVD.

Stealing Jokes Part 2

2008-11-28T22:40:00.002-08:00

Relax guys I don't steal my jokes, I'm just a Tribute Comic.

Stealing Jokes

2008-11-28T22:40:00.001-08:00

I don't steal my jokes from other comics, I think that's wrong and immoral, that being said I want to try this new bit I've been working on called "Someone shit on the coats."

Actors

2008-11-28T22:36:00.000-08:00

Having actors as friends is tough; because when your angry you have to reverse what you'd normally say. Recently my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with an actor so I called him up before a show and told him to "break a leg." Unfortunately I forgot this meant good luck so as retribution I had sex with his sister. Which he says "is wrong because she's 13 years old and she said no." Relax, I'm just kidding guys, she totally said yes... what a whore!

Tattoos

2008-11-28T22:34:00.000-08:00

I go to the gym alot and I see a ton of guys with huge muscles and tattoos and for some reason they feel the need to justify their tattoos meanings to me... "I got this one to remind me to never give up. That's why it says 'Never Give Up'" Um yeah, you know what reminds me of shit? Post it's, they are a lot less painful and a lot less permanent as well.

Goals

2008-11-28T22:31:00.000-08:00

I set way too high goals for myself: I need to lower my standards. My new goals are: Goal #1: Don't go see an opera. Goal #2: Walk at least 5 steps in a day... you laugh, but that one is actually going to be my most challenging. Goal #3: Come up with a third goal: Oh shit... I just did, check!

Pussy

2008-11-28T22:30:00.001-08:00

There are two things in this world I'll never get: A Fake pussy and real pussy: both are wayyyy too expensive.

Anne Frank 2

2008-11-28T22:28:00.000-08:00

I talk about Anne Frank alot because I've been researching her for a half fiction half FACT-tion book I'm writing. Yeah it's gonna be sweet. What's it called? Easy. "Diary of Anne Frank 2: Revenge of the Frank." It's comin along pretty well, I just started chapter 14 yesterday.

Olney, MD.

2008-11-28T22:25:00.000-08:00

Italics aren't said. This is the infamous option joke.

So, a little info. about me. I'm from Olney, Maryland.

(if clap) - Ah, you've never been there.

(if not clap) -Wow, you all have been there?

Superstitious

2008-11-28T22:23:00.001-08:00

I'm not a very Superstitious person. I'm a.... Stitious person. After every show I HAVE to sleep with the hottest girl in the audience, even if she's in a relationship. The last time I performed without doing that. September 10th, 2001. So... ladies. Don't let the terrorists win, you don't want that on your conscience.

Pregnancy Prevention

2008-11-28T22:21:00.000-08:00

10 out of 10 experts agree that the best way to prevent pregnancy is to be me. Hey assholes, that's because I'm a man. I get laid all the time just I'm pretty sure my hand is barren.

Product Placement

2008-11-28T22:19:00.000-08:00

There is nothing like being famous. Trust me, I know... and so do all four of my fans. Us famous people get free shit for endorsing products. I walked into a store today, WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS because they did not earn the free advertisement. I attempted to take several pairs of socks and all of a sudden security is beating the shit out of me outside. It's called product placement assholes.

Talent Shows

2008-11-28T22:16:00.000-08:00

So my family found out I was good at stand-up: big mistake that was. Now all of a sudden I'm headlining a talent show where my opening act is my 5-year-old cousin singing "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. Yeah... I only do the highest gigs.

Environment

2008-11-28T22:11:00.001-08:00

I'm not a huge fan of the environment. It's all self-righteous and shit like 'save me I'm important.' I'm just sick of the neediness. In my opinion if you can't save yourself, you're not worthy of being saved.

Fantasy Sports (Updated)

2008-11-28T22:07:00.000-08:00

I feel like Fantasy Football is one step away from e-slavery.

Video Games

2008-11-28T22:06:00.000-08:00

Why are video games so violent these days? I bought my little brothers Frogger for Christmas and they thought the goal of the game was to kill the frog.

God

2008-11-28T22:03:00.001-08:00

Is it just me or does it seem like God was tighter with the ancient people? I mean he gave them EVERY prophet and even his son. I don't know about you but all he has given me is 100.00$ in my bank account, a sense of humor and a severe case of genital warts.

Comedy

2008-11-26T15:00:00.000-08:00

I started doing comedy because my need for cash was greater than my need for self-respect. Seriously I'm a missed car payment away from giving handjobs to hobos.

Name Retiring

2008-10-31T01:28:00.000-07:00

In sports, if a player is great, he gets his number retired by the organization he played for. What's weird is you don't see this phenomenon anywhere else. "Steve, in honor of your 30th consecutive year without an error in accounting, we are retiring your desk to hang from our ceiling." The odd part is, if your evil enough you get your name retired. That's why I'm going to name my first born Adolf. Hitler was a motherfucking asshole, he doesn't deserve to be honored by having his name retired.

Writer's Strike

2008-10-31T01:27:00.000-07:00

I loved the writer's strike last year, it gave me the greatest out of all time, unfortunately my English 300 professor didn't find that excuse acceptable when I told her I hadn't done my final paper. Cunt.

Anniversaries

2008-10-31T01:21:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend broke up with me today because I "forgot" the 2 month-anniversary of our 1st kiss after our 1st date. I know... she's fucking insane, if the anniversary has more than 1 prepositional phrase, it should not be celebrated.

How Good? (100th Post!!!!)

2008-09-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

I like to think I'm pretty good at stand up... How good do I think I am? Well let's just say I think I'm as good at stand-up as the S.E.C. is at football... except I don't get paid to do stand up.

Prison

2008-09-02T22:13:00.001-07:00

I've been trying to get arrested for several months now. I don't really care about going to jail to "harden" my image, all I really care about is getting the ultimate facebook profile picture. So I finally get arrested right? Two counts of murder 2 no big deal right? Of course, lawyers so good they could get Michael Vick off. They take me in for my mug shot, at first i stand around all mopey and shit, gotta act to let them think I care, once I get the countdown, strike the Heisman pose smile and Suck it American Judicial System. It will happen.... I promise that.

Dogs Part II

2008-08-30T22:31:00.000-07:00

I wanna get rich enough where I can get my dog a cell phone.

Some Stuff I've Been Doing

2008-08-28T22:00:00.001-07:00

Cocaine, Heroine, PCP, LSD and Weed

but on to the more important stuff

I just wrote this blog and will be updating it twice-a-week or three-times-a-week

Tim Tebow's Personal Blog

And I've been doing this one most of the summer

The Real Game Misconduct

Steroids

2008-08-26T19:37:00.001-07:00

Some anti-steroid commercials say steroids don't make great athletes: they destroy them. Yeah. I agree with half that. Steroids don't make great athletes: They make the best.

Mr. Bucket

2008-08-21T18:11:00.001-07:00

I lost a testicle at a young age playing a game. If only Mr. Bucket had specified which balls to put in it's mouth.

Hula Hooping

2008-08-21T08:36:00.000-07:00

I was watching the Olympics before prime-time. I know what was I thinking? And one of the lesser known sports came on... Hula-Hooping? Ridicolous, since when is dancing with a plastic circular child hood toy a sport?

After watching this I'm pretty surprised masturbation hasn't become an Olympic Sport

That Guy

2008-08-14T18:52:00.001-07:00

I hate it, but I am that guy that people only talk to when they need something. I don't know how it started but I'm going out of my way to end it now.

If someone asks me for a ride, sure I'll give it to them, but I'm gonna be 30 minutes late. If someone asks for a dollar, it's theirs, but I'm gonna wipe my ass with it first. If someone wants me to fuck them, well let's be honest, noone's gonna ask for that.

Dogs

2008-08-02T20:19:00.000-07:00

I got a dog recently and let's just say while I don't support what Mike Vick did, I definately understand it. They say dogs are man's best friend, to which I say "really? when was the last time your best friend tried to bite you and hump you within a five minute span?" and Sir I know that you and your best friend are like that, but I'm talking about people that didn't rush in a fraternity.

Analyzing Some Songs

2008-07-31T21:49:00.000-07:00

In this area I will analyze some popular songs of the 1990's

At First Glance = Titles only
Further Look = Lyrics As Well
Actual = WikiPedia entry (if available)

1.) New Radicals - You Only Get What You Give

At First Glance: One would think this song is about sexually transmitted diseases.

Further Look: Suicide Prevention?

Actual: The song itself is about remaining true to who you are and not being "a fake." You know, like a band that sold out it's real values to make it big in America.

2.) Alanis Morrisette - Ironic

At First Glance: How Alanis Morrisette managed to stay relevant after You Oughta Know

Further Look: This song seems to be extremely depressing and attempts to make people afraid of flying, and winning the lottery after turning 98.

Actual: This song is the definition of ironic because nothing in the song is ironic. I think she just blew my mind.

3.) Barenaked Ladies - One Week

At First Glance: This song must be about how long you can listen to it before wanting to slit your wrists.

Further Look: A possible white masochistic male that attempts to rap in a relationship that seems to be failing miserably. So basically a biographical song of Vanilla Ice, if he ever dates a girl.

Actual: Largely imrpovised rapping, which makes sense because you know, the first thing off the top of 99% of white males head's is "Chickety-China the Chinese Chicken."

4.) Shaggy - It Wasn't Me

At First Glance: It wasn't him.

Further Look: It probably was him, but at least they recorded it.

Actual: Shaggy would make a great criminal defense attorney, assuming his client could speak in fluent rhymes about his crimes over some beats made by the streets. (see what I did there?)

5.) L.F.O. - Summer Girls

At First Glance: This song tries to appear as a song that everyone can relate to about girls in the summer.

Further Look: This song just seems to compile a bunch of random facts pertinent to nobody except the singer and what he likes. But apparently William Shakespeare prefers the name Billy. Oh and Lead Singer is so cool, he'll steal your honey like he stole your bike. So if your bike has ever been stolen, I suggest calling the cops on his ass.

Actual: This song was actually a practical joke. That makes sense, and mad props to LFO on pranking America for over a year back in 1999 when this song was released.

6.) O-Town - Liquid Dream

At First Glance: This song sounds like it is going to be about a guy who dreams about water and possibly the theme song to Adam Sandler's hit movie Waterboy

Further Look: It's quite possible that this song initiated the most restraining orders ever from one song with creepy lyrics ranging from Madonna, Janet Jackson and Cindy Crawford. Now I don't think it is too much to ask, but was it not possible to reference people who have mattered after 1995.

Actual: This song was so bad it did not have it's own Wikipedia page. It woudln't shock me if I was able to say the same thing about it's band.

7.) Backstreet Boys - As Long As You Love Me

At First Glance: This song sounds like a desperate plea from a 13 year old boy trying to get laid for the first time without using the proper word to express his true desperation. Or real love...

Further Look: The singer seems to be indifferent to anything about the girl's past, which means I guess he was in a relationship with a talker.

Actual: A.J. MacLean's vocals we're not used on this track as he was sick at the time they recorded this. Little known fact: anyone that listens to more than 7 tracks of the Backstreet Boys gets sick too.

8.) Matchbox 20 - Push

At First Glance: This song appears to be about a verb that is defined as:
Push -

1.	to press upon or against (a thing) with force in order to move it away.

2.	to move (something) in a specified way by exerting force; shove; drive: to push something aside; to push the door open.

3.	to effect or accomplish by thrusting obstacles aside: to push one's way through the crowd.

4.	to cause to extend or project; thrust. Doesn't seem to be a bad idea does it?

Further Look: Song appears to speak to the wife-beating population of America and just lets those wife's know they aren't loving their husbands nearly enough, and when he lies, he is doing it for your own good... God, why don't you get it you dumb bitch, see this is why I have to hit you.

Actual: It's not about "physical" abuse per se, it's about emotional abuse you stupid cunt.

9.) The Tony Rich Project - Nobody Knows

At First Glance: I'd have to guess this song is about Tony Rich's grievances about the lack of public knowledge about his "project"

Further Look: Tony Rich enjoys using the literary device of simile a little too much it's like. Sad.

Actual: In 1996 Kevin Sharp covered it and it was made the number 1 single at the time. What was really ironic was that nobody knew it was a cover.

10.) Tal Bachman - She's So High

At First Glance: This song sounds like it's about a girl who just smoked a couple joints back-to-back, or snorted some coke.

Further Look: It's about a woman who has not had any plastic surgery or image-enhancing procedures, so she's probably ugly. Also it has to be an insult to call someone all 5 senses. Lastly the most dated references ever? Aphrodite, Cleopatra and Joan of Arc? Nobody better?

Actual: According to Wikipedia it WAS a song.

Ambidextrous

2008-07-29T21:46:00.000-07:00

I think the worst time to boast about being ambidextrous is at a Amputated Conference of America

Expressed Written Consent

2008-07-29T21:39:00.000-07:00

I love Major League Baseball and all other professional sporting leagues (except the WNBA) but one thing that irks me is whenever I watch a game on TV it tells me I'm prohibited from talking about the game or writing in any manner without Major League Baseball's expressed written consent. I wanna know if that means if someone initiative and requested the consent forms to talk about a game on July 16th, 1995 between the Orioles and Royals, they could talk about it for the rest of their lives...

i need to make a joke out of that.

New Stuff I'll Be Working On...

2008-07-24T22:44:00.000-07:00

What's up? No Way! Same Here! How many times?... Wow she is a slut... Oh Really? Wow I'm sorry to hear about that... I hear Valtrex is good for that...

Anyways now that I've gotten to know my readers a little better, I'd thought I'd give you a heads up as to what I'll be up to the rest of the summer...

NEXT WEEK: I'm hoping to film a sketch or two and post them on THIS website/YouTube/Facebook or wherever people like them...

Two more blogs I'll be writing are up and can be viewed here

http://gamemisconductnewsreport.blogspot.com/

-> This site will be for my fake sports news headlines, which I will update weekly. First update is up, but don't expect much for a little while.

http://holyheisman15.blogspot.com/

-> August 29th be prepared for my attempt at a site similar to www.tonyhomo.com, which I highly recommend

Heisman Trophy Breakdown

2008-07-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

1.) Chris 'Beanie' Wells, RB. Ohio St: To not consider this guy as number 1 means two things. 1.) You live in the SEC states and 2.) This country would have been better if you had remained seceded after the Civil War.

2.) Tim Tebow QB. Florida: I ain't no player hater, he's good. But last time I checked, the number of babies circumcised in the Philippines or 'NBCP' was not an applicable football stat, despite what ESPN tries to tell you.

3.) Knowshon Moreno RB. Georgia: Easily the best running back out of Georgia since Herschel Walker. However, Knowshon still trails Herschel in the categories of Career Rushing Yards, Career TD's and Career Personalities.

4.) Michael Crabtree WR. Texas Tech: The best WR in College Football hands down, however the 1 television appearance he will make this season will be to lose the Heisman award in NYC.

5.) Sam McGuffie RB. Michigan: Any Heisman list without Sam on it is retarded. He jumped some dude. I ask you this Heisman committee what was the last thing you jumped? If the answer was anything but your heart after yet another heart attack, I call bullshit.

Why I Love Wikipedia

2008-07-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

Sean Salisbury

Main article: Sean Salisbury

After getting his start on the Comedy Central show BattleBots, Salisbury went on to become an NFL analyst on ESPN, appearing on SportsCenter and NFL Live. He is well known for the good-natured teasing of fellow analyst John Clayton in the SportsCenter segment "Four Downs". Clayton once famously got back at Salisbury. During an argument, Salisbury attempted to prove his point by telling Clayton, "You never played in the NFL." Clayton, noting that Salisbury spent most of his career as a backup quarterback on the sidelines (he received about a year's worth of NFL snaps in an eight-year career), fired back, "Neither did you!"

On February 26, 2008 Salisbury's contract was not renewed by ESPN. Salisbury suggested, according to Profootballtalk.com, that he was unhappy with his salary and status compared to those analysts who were more prominent players in their NFL careers. Salisbury explained, saying that “I’d grown tired of being punished for not being an NFL superstar,” He also complained that “analysts who don’t work as hard as me, don’t prepare as hard as me, and don’t have my resume were making more than me just because of their ability to throw or catch a football.”^[84]

In the fall of 2006, Salisbury was suspended by ESPN for one week, allegedly for indecent exposure. A column^[85] in the New York Post by Phil Mushnick on January 19, 2007 confirmed the suspension. According to the allegations, Salisbury took a picture of his penis with a cell phone and showed it to many women who worked at the station, including John Clayton, who enjoyed the pictures.^[86]

taken from the ESPN controversies page

Sharing

2008-07-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

I was arrested on Saturday for DUI, which is bullshit. If bikers and pedestrians get to share the road with cars, why can't my SUV share the sidewalks with them. Cops are such hypocrits.

Six Flags

2008-07-07T11:42:00.001-07:00

Our local amusement park is six flags. I can only assume it was named after some service that ranked objects with a unit of flags, I think it's also safe to assume the maximum number of flags given out is at least 100.

Like You

2008-07-05T22:53:00.001-07:00

My girl friends always tell me they "want to date someone that's like me, but not me." Why not be honest? "I want to date someone that has the same personality and likes the same shit as you, but not as ugly as you" Thanks in advance.

Can't Have

2008-07-05T21:12:00.002-07:00

A friend recently said about me that "I want what I can't have." I guess that's true, I would like two billion dollars, a playmate girlfriend and for that friend to leave me the fuck alone for the rest of my life.

Cousins

2008-07-05T21:12:00.001-07:00

I have a lot of cousins, or as I like to call them grandparent-will-killers.

Presidency

2008-07-05T21:08:00.000-07:00

I believe that America is a great country. One thing that kills me though is when LSU won the national championship I saw signs that said "Miles For President" A not-so-clever-attempt-to-get-on-tv, and might I add completely unoriginal. But I have a problem with that. Anyone who cannot properly pronounce all 50 states, should not be able to be elected. Ar-Kansas? Really? Honestly if you cannot pronounce all the states properly you should consider yourself lucky to have a job... unless you're from west virginia, there you might be a doctor.

Mid-Life Crisis

2008-07-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

One of the better things about having Mid-Life crisi is that if you double your age at the time you start yours, you know how long you have left to live. I'm kinda nervous because when i turned 12, I bleached my hair blonde, bought a bike with spinners, and made everyone call me Rocket for several hours for no apparent reason.

1st Verse Of As Long As You Fuck Me

2008-07-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

Although horniness has always been a vice of mine
I paid to get in your pants
People say I'm stupid and that it's a crime
Paying it all in advance
And now you've got me tied up and are robbing me
You're taking all my money
Don't care what you take for your shopping spree
As long as you please fuck me

Hook

verse 2 tomorrow.

Godparents

2008-07-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

I love the idea of Godparents. You can virtually name anyone you want to be the Godparents for your child. Godfather? John Stamos. Godmother? Angelina Jolie.

Done.

Personal Entry

2008-07-03T22:08:00.000-07:00

This isn't a joke but I thought I'd post it here anyways as it may give people further insight to the enigma that is Josh Zurn

Stuff I'd Like To Do/See Before I Die:

1.) Be a contestant on a reality TV show Last Comic Standing and The Mole would be ideal.
2.) See Ohio State win a National Championship
3.) Perform a solid set at some Stand-up level.
4.) Live In New York City.
5.) Have a house in Ocean City, NJ.
6.) Sell a movie script I've written whether it be Rocked, Bust, Rocked II, or another.

Pro-Life

2008-07-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

I know I have this joke down somewhere but I finally edited it to work.

I'm pro-life. Not because I care about a woman's right to choose... fuck that... but because if live begins inside the womb than I am technically 21 and can drink. "Yeah you're gonna have that kid, so I can have my right to drink... what's that?I don't care if it was a mistake and the father is in prison... I need to get my drink on my life is hectic. "

Metric System

2008-07-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of the metric system. Because it makes things seem bigger than they actually are. When a girl asks 'how big is your dick?' i get to respond '17' see? Builds confidence and impresses the ladies.

Golf

2008-07-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

Golf is just like sex it's no fun when you're watching.

From The Heart

2008-07-01T19:35:00.000-07:00

I'd like to take an oppurtunity here to speak seriously. I've been watching the DVD's of Chappelle's Show recently and wanted to thank Dave for what was honestly one of the greatest shows on TV ever. It's weird to think that this show catapulted sketch comedy to the forefront again taking it back to the glory days of SNL and MAD TV in the 90's.

One of the greatest sketches of all time was the Racial Draft. Absolutely genius and perfectly planned out to maximize every joke. Everything from Black people selecting an athlete to the whites trying to take a black politician, and then the Blacks trying to get Eminem from the white people was just perfect. I honestly feel that was the sketch that hooked in America, before the Rick James sketch, which locked it up.

It's sad to think that Chappelle, who had accepted a record deal for multiple new seasons "flaked out." But he didn't. He had the foresight to see what was happening to sketch comedy shows like Chappelle's Show and Mind of Mencia, which remains the unfunniest show on television to this day. The racial elements of ALL the sketches in these shows are great for 1-2 years, but you need to find something else to succeed at consistantly being funny and still walking that line between funny and racist. Chappelle's humor was consistantly at the perfect point for every episode and made millions tune in every week to see what was happening. Mencia has become so ridicolously offensive not because what he does is extremely racist, but because it doesn't even have the slightest hint of a joke within an episode. I could talk for thirty minutes in front of a camera and make funny faces every 6 or so minutes just like him and honest to God, his show has made me laugh 1 time in the probably 20 times I've tried to give him a chance.

Chappelle wanted to take the show in a different direction but unfortunately the producers weren't having that. "Yeah...I'm sure that'd be funny Dave, but let's make some more fun of white people." is probably the stuff the force fed to him to make him flake out. Never has a man been so near the top fallen off the face of the earth as quickly as Dave did.

It's a shame because Comedy Central truly had something going here with Chappelle, that has now been completely ruined by Ned... I mean Carlos Mencia.

Sketches (To Be Posted At A Later Date)

2008-06-28T21:47:00.000-07:00

I'm bored and feel the need to be somewhat productive so I'm just going to type sketch ideas that I can easily film and hope to one day incorporate into this blog/youtube or other websites. All of these will be a series involving me as a desperately needy not intelligent loner and a friend of mine.

1.) Free Ride
2.) Stalking
3.) PS3
4.) West Coast Time

Stuff I want to do but don't have the resources for with a list of what I'd need

1.) Robbery - Cop suit and a 2nd friend.
2.) As Long As You Love Me parody I wrote called As Long As You Fuck Me - 4 other guys (i swear it's not gay.)
3.) Model Fear Factor - Female friends.

Ultrasound

2008-06-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I was going for here but I have it written down in my phone

Technology these days is way advanced. My friend just got her ultrasound done in HD. I know! Not only do they know the sex of the baby, but they also know what day he is going to die and how he is going to die.

Wrong Numbers

2008-06-28T21:13:00.001-07:00

I go out to clubs alot and a popular thing to do apparently if you're a girl is to give guys the wrong numbers. That's not right. Cause now all of a sudden I'm drunkenly texting my 12-year-old cousin at 2 in the morning on a Thursday night making the family reunions extremely awkward. On a side note, whoever is giving out my cousin's number, please stop her bills are ridicolous.

T-Shirt Idea

2008-06-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

What I'm Looking For

2008-06-28T21:02:00.000-07:00

It's tough for me to find a girl. I don't ask for much I don't think, but all I really want is a girl that can sweep me off my feet.... literally. I need a girl that can bench at least 275.

Frogger

2008-06-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

I like Frogger, though for the longest time I didn't understand the game. With video games as violent as they are these days, I spent the first 15 years playing it trying to kill the Frog. "Dude come over here and check out how sweet this game is. Kinda short though, I mean you'd think for 25 cents, I'd at least get a minute of action."

Honest

2008-06-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

I masturbated a lot. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a guy, shit happens. But I think the difference with me was I was always honest. My mom would call me down for dinner a lot and some of the time, I'd be doing it, NOT all the time, but you know some of the time. But I'd always pride myself on my honesty. My mom would shout "Josh get down for dinner now!!" "I'm coming (sp?)!"

That joke works better when said.

Live Blogging The NBA draft.

2008-06-26T17:22:00.000-07:00

12:02 PM: Semi Hardon? Boston I expected better from you guys. Does Turkey even have a basketball in their country? Answer: No. How am I supposed to T-Bag Kobe Bryant if I'm not on a team? I'm pretty sure if I'm not on a team it's a felony to T-Bag Kobe. I will see you again next year, and I shall overcome like Martin Luther King. Bitch.

11:55 PM: One pick left until I presumably be drafted. I'm nervous, excited and kinda aroused at the same time. In fact I think i have a boner.

11:44 PM: If Portland just drafted Mike Taylor to "make history" I don't know why they didn't draft me. I haven't even played college basketball and they are drafting someone who wasn't even bright enough to use his eligibility. TARDS!

11: 37 PM: Dallas Mavericks just selected Shan Foster, I assume because of his singing abilities. Did Dallas even hear my rap? I poured my heart in that rap.

11:34 PM: Drew refuses to cuddle with me, until I become an NBA superstar. What a cunt.

11:33 PM: Alright seriously DeVon Hardon goes before me? Un-fucking-believable. I'm beginning to lose all faith together. IF I DON'T GET DRAFTED I WILL KILL MYSELF! SUCK ON THAT DAVID STERN.

11:15 PM: Two things I've learned tonight. The NBA hates Americans, by sleecting Nikola Pekovic, Omer Asik and some Croatian dude, before me, I feel very disheartened that the USA, the best basketball talent in the world, can't get a player as fucking ill as me drafted. Fuck em. Still banking on the Celtics with the 60th pick.

10:59 PM: About an hour to go in the draft and i still haven't been taken? I know ridicolous (sp?) right? Do people even know that I go to Ohio State University? Just made the popcorn and the party is poppin. Drew just did some sort of magic trick for everybody, which the number has now increased to 2 in attendance. I just managed to catch a piece of popcorn in my mouth with no hands!!!! Can Sonny Weems Chicago Bulls' 39th pick overall do that? Doubtful.

10:45 PM: Joey "I-Don't-Know-My-Bible-Referenced-Trash-Talk" Dorsey was just taken to Portland. I couldn't be happier, he know gets to play with "David" Greg Oden and himself being "Goliath" Unfortuantely Joey forgot that David beat Goliath and didn't even understand that Greg Oden was better than him and taller (maybe he should have been Goliath.)

Moron

10:43 PM: They bleeped out Frederique saying "goddamn" but only bleeped out the God? What's up with that?

10:30 PM: Frediereque (sp?) just pronounced Cooker like "Kooker" it was funny. Also Erik totally just hit his head! Talk about OUCHIEZ!! LOL'Z Frederique (sp?) totally just ran past the pumpkin clue ON PURPOSE!!!! and could very well be the Mole. Our predictions over here remain the same. Drew - Erik and Josh - Erik as well.

10:25 PM: Kathy just called Erik a little cunt for imitating her at the dinner table. I was totally LOL'ing at that one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:20 PM: Kathy was being facetious (sp?) when she answered her questions kind of flippety when she forgot about her conversation with Erik in the make-up room and picked Frederique (sp?) because she works with her hair. Also picking Frederique (sp?) for every question is kind of shocking and dumb, I mean who would be able to pick that up in 3 questions?!?!?!?!?!??!! (sp?)

10:15 PM: This post is in bold because my blog hates me. Erik totally threw Kathy and Fredirique (sp?) for a loop when asked Who would you rather be stranded on a desert island with you? He picked Kathy!!!!!! Erik is totally the Mole!!!!!!!!!

10:10 PM: Watching Celebrity Mole Hawaii is cool. I'm not sure who the Mole is but Erik was acting very strangely on their search for Frederique (sp?), could he be the Mole? Possibly.

10:00 PM: I'm gonna switch to Celebrity Mole Hawaii for a little bit, but shall be back for the most important pick in the draft (hopefully.) Will continue the blog. Anyway, it's a shame Corbin Bernson was kicked off because I love Roger Dorn in Baseball and was going to possibly ask him to be a member of my entourage once I get my big contract.

9:58 PM: I don't know why teams are passing on me. I know for FACT that I don't have any kidney issues like Darrell Arthur, but there are some reports floating around the media about a flatulance (sp?) problem, which I can say is very possibly true, but shouldn't hurt my chances with any teams.

9:55 PM: The queso cheese is finished and I still haven't been drafted. No big deal, but if anyone is heading over, stop at the Shopper's Food Warehouse and pick up some tostitos queso MEDIUM please, no homo Soft shit.

9:38 PM: The Orlando Magic just selected Courtney Smith. Really? A female is nowhere near as good as me on the boards. Rest assured, if Orlando tries to take me in the 2nd round, I'm demanding a trade.

9:36 PM: I'm getting kind of worried. Number 9 prospect Darrell Arthur, has fallen to the 27th pick. which means if I'm the 43th best prospect in the draft that means I'm falling to whoever lands the number one pick next year.

9:23 PM: James Peters is an douch Misquoting my party guest and 15 time all-star pitcher Drew Hoffmaster, a good friend since practically birth and nation's leading FIFA 2008 (for PS3, cuz I'm rich) teammate with a whopping 8 goals.

9:14 PM: I think I should have entered the WNBA draft instead. Josh can kind of be a girls name too. EDIT: I don't think my nickname "Scottie-Tip-In" would translate as well.

9:09 PM: The first party guest has arrived, but ya know... that's how they all start.. .two hours late... fashionably late that is. Indiana just selected my boy Roy Hibbert. He friend requested ME on facebook... that's right I'm pretty well known, but I am know the first person (that I know of) to go to school with two 7 footers who eventually went on to be drafted.

9:00 PM: Pheonix (sp?) Suns just took Robin Lopez. Great now that team has the two worst hair styles in the NBA. If they wanted me I would have gladly regrown the fro, and cry like a little girl everytime I get fouled. (Looking at you Robin Lopez.) Also I am aware that I may have just backhandedly complimented Joakim Noah. Don't read anything into it Joakim. You're still ugly as fuck.

8:53 PM: It has come to my attention that Last Comic Standing offers a 250,000$ grand prize. Maybe I should have focused my energies on getting on that show instead of getting drafted... Fuck.

8:42 PM: Sacramento Kings just selected Jason Thompson out of Rider College? I'm sorry if I had known they were just going to waste their pick, I woulda sent them a letter too telling them why I should have been drafted. Morons.

8:29 PM: So the New Jersey Nets just passed on me. No big deal. I didn't want to play in that shithole, but really Brook Lopez? I've got more talent in my left nut than he has in his entire body. Another reason I don't want to play for the Nets: I can't play for owners who steal someone's initials.

8:22 PM: What's up party people? So apparently I'm late on the start time of the draft because David Stern apparently forgot to call and let me know. But honestly... who starts a television program at 7 fucking 30? Exactly. I don't want to let the NBA teams know I was late as it may enhance my image as a irresponsible person. The good news is I only missed 8 picks, which I wasn't very likely to be taken in anyways... I'm more of a mid-to-late lottery/end of first round, but whatevs. I know you're not. The draft party is off to a phenomenal start. I had to persuade my father to turn off entertainment news to watch my potential future. No cameras yet, but that was to be expected. I'm pretty low-key guy and I didn't want all the attention.

One Of The Greatest Days In My Life

2008-06-25T18:59:00.000-07:00

105% Percent

Issue #62

by 105%-o-matic 6 hours ago

"It's the highlight of my week," said the world's worst father.

If Dr. Seuss Was Actually a Doctor

Dr. Seuss: I do not like this brownish spot. I do not like this dark black dot. I do not like this odd-shaped mole. I do not like this porous hole. I'd wear more sunblock here and there. I'd wear more sunblock everywhere. It looks as though, I'm sad to say, that you have cancer here today.
Patient: Are you...high?

-Giancarlo Fiorentini

Teeth

Q: What's Red And Bad For Your Teeth
A: A Brick

-Patrick O'Connell

The Last Layers of Hell

4. The Fans of "Legally Blonde"
3. The Fans of "Legally Blonde 2"
2. The Fans of "Legally Blonde the
Musical"
1. The Fans of "Legally Blonde the
Musical: the Search for Elle Woods"

-Tanner Boyd

Stupid America

I just read that 60% of 8th graders only read at a 5th grade level. At that point isn't it just the eighth grade level?

-Luke Bell

Comic Book Movies That Would Be Better Than Another Edward Norton Hulk

-Commissioner Gordon: The Movie
-First Five Minutes of X-Men 2: The Movie
-Fire Extinguisher-Bot From Iron Man: The Movie

-Jeff Rubin

Swedish Drunks

-We were at this place yesterday that had 4 dollar pitchers!
-Wo, awesome! Where?
-IKEA. They also have 2 dollar cups and cheap futons. Uber chill!

-Amir Blumenfeld

The type of dog you have says a lot about your personality, especially if the dog is dead.

-Caldwell Tanner

Being White

Being white sucks. When we put metal stuff in our mouth we have to call them braces

-Josh Zurn

Click here to submit your own 105%.

View Article

honestly this has done more for my confidence than anything possibly could. I'm so happy right now.

Community Service

2008-06-25T18:55:00.000-07:00

Why do athletes get off easy with community service? all they have to do is autograph signings. I want in on that! Instead I've got to pick up trash on a fucking highway. I've started signing autographs anyway. I don't care if they don't want it and call it autograph rape it's my way of giving back to the community and it isn't a felony... yet.

Cancer

2008-06-24T20:33:00.000-07:00

I feel like we're making a mistake in letting Cancer be a Astrological sign. It just seems to me like we're honoring cancer by naming something after it. It's the only Astrological sign you can be born with and die by it. Well... unless you happen to be hit by a Ford Taurus that is.

Athlete

2008-06-23T21:35:00.000-07:00

Starting this September I want to try to do a whole new blog (as well as this one)

Said blog would take an athlete and pretend to be him for an entire year to help hone my writing skills. Some choices I have right now (but by no means limited to) include:

Sasha Vugiachic - PRO's I know all about self-created nicknames and not living up to them
CON's I'd have to learn to spell his name right.

Sam McGuffie - PRO's I'd get to hate Michigan more.

CON's Are you kidding? There no cons when it comes to Sam McGuffie. EVER!

Tom Brady, Pacman Jones, and whoever is the 60th pick in the draft on Thursday night are options for me.

Television Experience

2008-06-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

As a comic, it is my goal to get as much television/internet exposure as possible to get my name out there. Unfortunately not a lot of comedy shows have hired me recently so I'm forced to list my other appearances on my bill. As seen on: The 2006 Ohio - State Michigan game and areal views of Ohio Stadium since 2006! Unfortunately this doesn't get me a lot of recognition unless I'm standing 300 miles away from people and even then I can't hear their autograph requests and proposals. (Though I know for certain they are there.)

Commercial

2008-06-17T20:36:00.001-07:00

According to a double mint commercial (which may or may not be biased) Doublemint gum will be starting for the Chicago Bulls next year. I call bullshit. Just thought you should know its probably a lie. Though I'm all for more white people in the NBA.

Abortion

2008-06-17T17:52:00.001-07:00

I think an abortion is the ultimate weight-loss procedure available today.

Pretty Penny

2008-06-16T20:38:00.000-07:00

I live on probably the gayest street ever. Pretty Penny Court. Which means if i were to take my porn name using my middle name and street I would be Henry Pretty Penny. I know I might as well start taking two black cocks up my ass already. People mock the name, but I make it work. Yeah I live on Pretty Penny Ct. you know where it is? No? It's right off Big Dick Lane asshole.

Golf

2008-06-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

I dont see what the big deal is with golf. I played that course in Augusta just like the pros did, and i shot a 39 on the back 9. Granted if you add the other 8 holes the total is something along the lines of 437 or something.

WNBA

2008-05-15T07:43:00.000-07:00

The WNBA has some new commercials. They're new slogan is "Expect Great." I want to change that to be more honest. "Expect Great... Leave Disappointed."

Papers

2008-05-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

I had a 5 page paper due last week. Unfortunately I could only write 3. So I handed in my 3 pages with 2 blank sheets attached at the end. My teacher confronted me saying the rules were "No less than 5 pages." I told her you never said shit had to be on those pages.... Cunt.

I failed that class.

Eight Belles

2008-05-11T00:11:00.000-07:00

I don't watch the Kentucky Derby much, but I feel that this year there was an important lesson to learn from it. Women can not compete with men in sports. Deal with it Danica Patrick and Michelle Wie.

Advice

2008-05-07T23:43:00.001-07:00

Sleeping with your friends girlfriend is always wrong. Especially if your friend's dating is your sister

Advice

2008-05-07T23:43:00.000-07:00

Sleeping with your friends girlfriend is always wrong. Especially if your friends girlfriend is your sister

Pacman

2008-05-04T23:32:00.002-07:00

I'm kind of hoping Pacman Jones goes to prison eventually. My prison fantasy football team is sorely lacking defense.

Face

2008-04-30T01:48:00.000-07:00

I like picking up girls in the clubs. For some reason the clubs are where I score the most, something about the ambience and the lack of light. I have one of those faces that just doesn't work in the light

Revenge

2008-04-27T20:32:00.001-07:00

They say success is the best revenge against an ex. Personally I think it's sleeping with her sister. If she doesn't have a sister than her mother. If she doesn't have a mother, than maybe success is the best revenge.

Rape

2008-04-20T09:59:00.001-07:00

In my experience rape is never the answer, unless the question is: "what is never the answer?" or "what is the easiest way to sleep with a woman?"

Blind People

2008-04-01T12:03:00.000-07:00

Why is there no such thing as an attractive blind person? Just because you don't have to look at yourself doesn't mean I don't have to see you. I realize by using this joke I am alienating the only group of women that are willing to sleep with me, but it's worth it. It needed to be said.

For Those Of You That Care

2008-03-24T17:25:00.000-07:00

I'm giving up on comedy for at least a while. I can't write any more good jokes, and to only have 3 solid jokes, is a joke. I have to realize that at some point. It's sad, but there's nothing i can really do about it. I'm not as good as I thought.

Thanks to those that read these (which i doubt is a very high number (+/- 2) but whatever) It was a fun dream while it lasted.

Bracketology

2008-03-16T12:40:00.000-07:00

This post is not a joke. It is in fact however an attempt to prove why ESPN is full of shit. I will post my bracket right now and see who is more accurate, granted if Illinois or UGA win this bracket will be off.

EAST

1. North Carolina

2. Georgetown

3. Xavier

4. Michigan State

5. Vanderbilt

6. UAB

7. Washington State

8. Kent State

9. Cornell

10. UNLV

11. Arizona State

12. Villanova

13. Kentucky

14. Austin Peay

15. UMBC

16. Texas-Arlington

MIDWEST

1. Memphis

2. Texas

3. Wisconsin

4. USC

5. Louisville

6. Pittsburgh

7. Drake

8. Kansas State

9. Davidson

10. Houston

11. Arizona State

12. Illinois State

13. Virginia Tech

14. Oral Roberts

15. Belmont

16. Winthrop

SOUTH

1. Kansas

2. Tennessee

3. Butler

4. Clemson

5. Mississippi State

6. Arkansas

7. Miami (Fl.)

8. Connecticut

9. Washington State

10. Arizona

11. George Mason

12. Cal-State Fullerton

13. Western Kentucky

14. Mount St. Mary’s

15. Siena

16. Play-In-Game

WEST

1. UCLA

2. Duke

3. Notre Dame

4. Stanford

5. Marquette

6. Indiana

7. Gonzaga

8. Arkansas

9. Massachusetts

10. West Virginia

11. Ohio State

12. Boise State

13. American

14. Portland State

15. San Diego

16. Mississippi Valley State

Play-In-Game

16a. Coppin State

16b. Temple

If Illinois or UGA win, it knocks out most likely Ohio State and puts them as either a 16 seed in the West or a 13 seed in the west. If both win, Ohio State and likely Kentucky will be eliminated. If both lose, bracket remains unchanged.