Wedding

I know I'm not getting married. My demands are too high. Some say the wedding is for the bride. Bullshit. I say it all should be equal that's why if I ever get married, I get to come down the aisle too: And I'm not coming out to some faggot piano music. No, I'm comin out to Hell's Bells with all my groomsmen carryling me on a fucking throne.

I don't think that's too much to ask.

Rape

Rape can't be that bad if Liftetime, a network about empowering women airs original movies about rape victims constantly: in fact, the victims should be thanking the rapers for providing them with a journey towards discovering themselves.

Always Leave Them Wanting More

For Comedians the motto to live by is "always leave them wanting more" I try to live that off the stage too by doing things in my personal life like not tipping waiters, finishing first in sex and...

For Sale Only

I recently bought a DVD and when I popped it in to my PS3 to watch a screen came up and said "This DVD is for sale only." FUCK! TRICKED ME AGAIN TARGET! I thought this DVD would be a "For Sale and Viewing" DVD.

Stealing Jokes Part 2

Relax guys I don't steal my jokes, I'm just a Tribute Comic.

Stealing Jokes

I don't steal my jokes from other comics, I think that's wrong and immoral, that being said I want to try this new bit I've been working on called "Someone shit on the coats."

Actors

Having actors as friends is tough; because when your angry you have to reverse what you'd normally say. Recently my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with an actor so I called him up before a show and told him to "break a leg." Unfortunately I forgot this meant good luck so as retribution I had sex with his sister. Which he says "is wrong because she's 13 years old and she said no." Relax, I'm just kidding guys, she totally said yes... what a whore!

Tattoos

I go to the gym alot and I see a ton of guys with huge muscles and tattoos and for some reason they feel the need to justify their tattoos meanings to me... "I got this one to remind me to never give up. That's why it says 'Never Give Up'" Um yeah, you know what reminds me of shit? Post it's, they are a lot less painful and a lot less permanent as well.

Goals

I set way too high goals for myself: I need to lower my standards. My new goals are: Goal #1: Don't go see an opera. Goal #2: Walk at least 5 steps in a day... you laugh, but that one is actually going to be my most challenging. Goal #3: Come up with a third goal: Oh shit... I just did, check!

Pussy

There are two things in this world I'll never get: A Fake pussy and real pussy: both are wayyyy too expensive.

Anne Frank 2

I talk about Anne Frank alot because I've been researching her for a half fiction half FACT-tion book I'm writing. Yeah it's gonna be sweet. What's it called? Easy. "Diary of Anne Frank 2: Revenge of the Frank." It's comin along pretty well, I just started chapter 14 yesterday.

Olney, MD.

Italics aren't said. This is the infamous option joke.


So, a little info. about me. I'm from Olney, Maryland.

(if clap) - Ah, you've never been there.

(if not clap) -Wow, you all have been there?

Superstitious

I'm not a very Superstitious person. I'm a.... Stitious person. After every show I HAVE to sleep with the hottest girl in the audience, even if she's in a relationship. The last time I performed without doing that. September 10th, 2001. So... ladies. Don't let the terrorists win, you don't want that on your conscience.

Pregnancy Prevention

10 out of 10 experts agree that the best way to prevent pregnancy is to be me. Hey assholes, that's because I'm a man. I get laid all the time just I'm pretty sure my hand is barren.

Product Placement

There is nothing like being famous. Trust me, I know... and so do all four of my fans. Us famous people get free shit for endorsing products. I walked into a store today, WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS because they did not earn the free advertisement. I attempted to take several pairs of socks and all of a sudden security is beating the shit out of me outside. It's called product placement assholes.

Talent Shows

So my family found out I was good at stand-up: big mistake that was. Now all of a sudden I'm headlining a talent show where my opening act is my 5-year-old cousin singing "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. Yeah... I only do the highest gigs.

Environment

I'm not a huge fan of the environment. It's all self-righteous and shit like 'save me I'm important.' I'm just sick of the neediness. In my opinion if you can't save yourself, you're not worthy of being saved.

Fantasy Sports (Updated)

I feel like Fantasy Football is one step away from e-slavery.

Video Games

Why are video games so violent these days? I bought my little brothers Frogger for Christmas and they thought the goal of the game was to kill the frog.

God

Is it just me or does it seem like God was tighter with the ancient people? I mean he gave them EVERY prophet and even his son. I don't know about you but all he has given me is 100.00$ in my bank account, a sense of humor and a severe case of genital warts.

Comedy

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